A Chick With Bipolar Disorder

Having trouble

2008-09-01T20:24:00.001-04:00

Hi guys. I'm having a lot of trouble right now.

I can't trust my mind, I'm questioning whether I really know right from wrong, and I'm struggling with being a half way decent wife to a great husband.

All that while still trying to work and not reduce my life to utter muck.

Be patient with me.

My Personal DNA 2

2008-08-21T23:04:00.002-04:00

I am an Inventor
Your imagination, self-reliance, openness to new things, and appreciation for utility combine to make you an INVENTOR.

You have the confidence to make your visions into reality, and you are willing to consider many alternatives to get that done.

The full spectrum of possibilities in the world intrigues you—you're not limited by pre-conceived notions of how things should be.

Problem-solving is a specialty of yours, owing to your persistence, curiosity, and understanding of how things work.

Your vision allows you to identify what's missing from a given situation, and your creativity allows you to fill in the gaps.

Your awareness of how things function gives you the ability to come up with new uses for common objects.

It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine.

Although understanding details is not difficult for you, you specialize in seeing the bigger picture and don't get caught up in specifics.

You tend to more proactive than reactive—you don't just wait for things to come to you.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

My Personal DNA

2008-08-21T23:00:00.006-04:00

Thank you to BPD in OKC for this!

I am Advocating
Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.

Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.

One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.

You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.

You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.

Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don't look to impose your ways on others.

Your sensitivity towards others' plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.

As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.

Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 3

2008-08-21T22:22:00.006-04:00

So let's do a bullet list

Skin THEN
* Got more sun
* Drank more water
* Washed face nightly
* Got facials

Skin NOW
* I am in the house A LOT
* Drink maybe ~1/2 Gallon/ month
* Routinely sleep with makeup
* Last facial was February

Hmmmm.

Body THEN
* Drank lots of water
* Ate healthier
* Didn't eat as much or as late
* Worked out at least 3x/week

Body NOW
* Drink a case of soda/ week
* 3-4lbs of Swedish fish/ month
* What is a salad?
* I roll over at night to eat/ drink
* Workout?

God Then
* 1 hour daily devotion
* Fast once/ week
* Church every Sunday
* God in every aspect of life
* Like -minded friends

God NOW
* Devotion when I can
* Maybe 2 full hours/week
* Fast once/ month
* Church every Sunday (after long hiatus)
* God needs to be everywhere
* I'm strange to peers

Things to consider:
* Didn't have diagnosis
* Work required fit body

That's it. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't think of any other excuses. It's clear that I haven't been doing my part.

Butterfly, success leaves clues, man. Look at your life, it's there, it's all around. Redo what worked before, and Git R Done!

A return to basics will enable me to maintain clam during the inevitable ebb and flow of life.

Ebb, Flow, Calm Part 2

2008-08-21T22:01:00.008-04:00

When I was younger I had an insanely detailed approach to dating and whether someone was "fit" to date. I actually maintained a list on yellow legal paper that I followed. (I actually still have the list, but I'll need to look for it. When I find it, I'll scan.)

Anyhoo, I followed those guidelines well into college which is probably why I think I kept relationships at bay and was able to build a pretty impressive career.

When I abandoned those guidelines, I walked smackdab into chaos.
Why? Because success has patterns.
Why? Because success leaves clues for reciprocation.
Why? Because you should stick with what works.

So if my insanely detailed list worked so well why did I stop using it?

Well, my hindsight explanation is that I assumed that defective substance was equal to defective form.

Huh, Butterfly what does that mean?

See, in my junior year of college, I started dating I guy who I thought was great. We had the perfect "Sweet Valley High" relationship:

"Intelligent, Athletic, Exotic Beauty
Dates
Handsome, Intelligent Older Jock."
In retrospect, I don't think I ever learned that my relationships could end; after all, I followed the list.

How could it end when it was so "good"?

So when it DID end, I subconsciously attributed the end of the relationship (the substance)to my faulty list (the form). I subsequently shifted to the world's approach to relationships and the result was several years of shit.

So then what?

From 2006-2007, I walked away from two relationships that people thought were "great", but I knew there was better, and I wanted better. I was tired of settling to simply "be" in a relationship. I returned to basics, and by doing so, I was led to my wonderful husband.(More on hubby later.)

So, back to reciprocating success. When I returned to my core values with relationships, I got what I wanted. So now I must return to my core values about my skin, body and God.

What was I doing THEN that was so special?

See Part 3

Ebb, Flow, Calm

2008-08-16T22:09:00.003-04:00

I totally understand the ebb and flow of life. I guess what I having trouble with is its timeliness and the duration.

When I think about it, the first 24 years (I'd even extend to 26 years) of my life were pretty great.

I was homeless at one point, I slept at my job, I moved a gazillion times, but all in all I was happy. Why?

It's often said that success and happiness leave clues on how to reciprocate them.

What was so special about my life prior to age 26 that isn't present now?

Well, first things that come to mind are my body and skin, and my relationship with God.

So do I now throw them in the "they change with age just accept it" category or do I rediscover the behaviors and attitudes that brought about the body and skin I was proud of THEN and incorporate them into my life NOW?

Isn't it interesting that when I was 26 I had a 1 bedroom apartment with an ass of a bf and no car, and was happy. Now with a husband a 3 bedroom home and Mercedes I'm sad?

Well that would be to presuppose that my discontent is related only to relationships and material things. Quite the contrary. My discontent is totally about me, and that's why I look to none but me to fix it.

So then we introduce diagnoses like OCD, bipolar and eating disorders. How do they factor into the mix?

In reality, their contribution to my frustrations are not that extensive. Imho. But more on that later. Also, more on God as well.

See Part 2

Just a Thought

2008-08-16T12:12:00.006-04:00

It's Day 2 of being semi back and I think I am OD-ing on blog posts.

There's so much to tell, share, write about, and as I get caught up on your blogs, I am motivated to write even more; but it's overwhelming.

Today, I am rapid cycling; in fact I've been this way for the last week. I tried to convince myself that I am really not bipolar at all, and that my only issue is that "life" isn't exactly the way I want it.

2004 was a great year for me. I've been toying with the idea that if my hubby and I went back to 2004, would I still be experiencing such periods of mania and depression?

The answer may be easy for you, but um, no so much for me. So, let's just say that's all for now.

I Miss

2008-08-15T09:23:00.002-04:00

I miss you.

I miss me.

I miss blogging.

I miss so much.

I'm gonna push through...though slowly.

Insurance Side Stuff

2008-07-28T21:41:00.006-04:00

After 8 months, my insurance has finally been cancelled.

I've been coasting on it since leaving my job last October. Truth be told, it should have been cancelled then, but it wasn't.

Anyway, I've been looking at/for insurance lately...(because after a year of having this blog I finally "get it" that I need insurance.)

With looking for insurance comes looking for a job that offers insurance. Yeah, none of my GA-zillion jobs offers health insurance. Anyway, many of the jobs I'm looking at offers the basic health, dental, and life insurance, but a couple offered AD&D.

AD&D is Accidental Death & Dismemberment. Did you know that?

Anyway, my curiosity was triggered and found out that there is renter's insurance, landlord's insurance, travel insurance, travel health insurance, pet insurance and self -funded health care insurance .

There should be unemployment insurance for people with bipolar disorder;where a portion ofour earnings go toward days like this. But then again people without the disorder will simply call that savings.

Just sharing. Haven't found a job with insurance yet. Still looking.

Ascribed Meaning

2008-07-28T21:09:00.006-04:00

I've always kept/ saved things; things that I then ascribe meaning to.

Like what?

1. An airplane toothpick from my first flight
2. The words to my 8th grade class song
3. My first belly button ring
4. 86+ stuffed animals (each with a name)
5. EVERY movie ticket
6. Newspapers from each birthday

I don't know why I keep them, but I do know that I HATE for them to be touched or to be lost. They become a part of me to the extent that it's hard to part with them.

So, I've been thinking about a tattoo a lot lately.

Why? It's permanent and the ultimate momento. Still, after 13 years of thinking about a tattoo, I've finally decided where I'd want it - my wrist.

The dilemma is now the what. What do I put?

I originally wanted to have the word "Selah". It's pretty and I love the meaning of it.

Then I thought about my husband's name. He is without a doubt the most significant person in my life. I'd place his name, but he won't let me. Yeah, a tattoo is very permanent. It's not like body jewelry; it's forever. Well, maybe that's what I want; it's something that will have meaning, and something that can never be taken away from me or lost in a hurricane.

You know what? This ascribed meaning stuff is probably about control.

Hmmmmm.

Each time I stop blogging, I soon learn how important it is for me.

Who Am I?

2008-07-28T20:57:00.004-04:00

I had a brief chat with my bff about identity.

The question was "who am I?" Well, not me, but her. But while we were on her, I figured I'd pose the question to me.

Who am me? LMBO!

I dunno. Real talk.

With the emergence of new "memories" (more on that later) during therapy, I have no damn clue who I am. The why is multifaceted.

One why is that I lived my early years in the spotlight - TV, radio, modeling, acting. The entertainment industry is a farce. The only way to be "in" is to accept that you will be lied to and you will be required to lie to others. Live a lie ling enough and you soon believe the lie. Yeah, that's me.

Another "why" is that after I left the entertainment industry I tried to prolong the lie; it didn't work.

I have no idea where I was going with this post.

Hmmmm, well, I'm trying to find me. If you run into her, please send her home :-)

Inner Gypsie

2008-07-28T20:07:00.004-04:00

I've lived in several states in my life, and in several places within each state.

In 2006, my credit report listed 30 residences! Yeah, I know. As much as I would like to say that they are all due to my love of travel or to jobs, they're not. I have perfected "fight or flight". I runaway. When things aren't great where I am, I move, and keep moving.

So, lately, I've been thinking about moving again. Where to? I don't know. Not sure. If I stay in America I was thinking Tennessee or North Carolina. If International, Italy for sure.

Not making any sudden moves right now, but I'm ready for whenever - Uhaul is around the corner and my passport is still valid, too.

Getting Caught Up

2008-07-28T19:31:00.005-04:00

What hasn't been happening?

I've seemingly had a GA-zillion jobs. In the last week I was averaging 16 hour work days between 3 jobs - gym, virtual assistant and restaurant (more on that later).

With the gym, I am a consultant. I go in, assess their trouble areas, and implement policy to fix them. I'm amazingly efficient when my head is right.

Anyway, they have LOTS of problems with their employees' performance and accountability, so in addition to micromanaging their staff, I implemented corporate performance management as well.

The owners can be terribly frustrating at times because they are so inefficient, but they like me and are willing to allow me to have whatever schedule I want as long I stay with them. So we'll see.

Lies or DPD

2008-07-28T19:23:00.003-04:00

So my t-doc mentioned wants to test me for DPD or Dissociative Personality Disorder aka multiple personality disorder.

Am I surprised?

Not at all. I kinda knew it. My choppy memory, invention of different people equipped with different names and signatures, losing blocks of time -yeah, I kinda suspected something was a bit weird for a while.

My memory blocks are not like the blackout after being pissy drunk. I forget people, situations, periods of my life. T-doc says that it is a coping mechanism, and that I clearly block out things I rather not recall, but her concern is on the different names and signatures.

So what now?

We're gonna try hypnotherapy. Although I am a bit afraid of what I may discover about me and things I've done, I really want to know if there is more to me and my life. I'll keep you posted on this too, ok.

Selling Me Out

2008-07-28T19:08:00.006-04:00

I've been thinking about awareness, cash, work, life, coping, etc, and then I read a blog piece that Lil Kim and Foxy Brown were each given an advance to write a book that they did not deliver.

Then it hit me - I need a book deal!

Not only will the advance take care of bills, but it will also allow me to be at home (in an environment conducive to my professional success). I'll have an opportunity to raise awareness and to educate as well.

So what's my angle, what'll be my selling point? Hmmmm, not sure, but maybe I'll pitch the real face of mental illness. Hmm, gonna start by writing Oprah along with Amber and then write a couple pitch letters to publishers.

I'll keep you posted.

Can't wait to be on Oprah, the View and signing my book at Barnes & Noble!

New Past Time

2008-07-28T17:58:00.002-04:00

My new past time has been peeling my fingers.

Yes, I know it's totally gross.

In the last 2 weeks, I've developed some strange disorder that causes my fingers to peel; not the palms, just the fingers. I can peel the skin off my fingers from tip to base like a banana.

I peel them off and actually enjoy it, but you know it was only a matter of time before OCD stepped in. Yup, my tweezer has become my best friend as I -with the precision of a surgeon- peel off layer and layer of skin.

How gross. This is my life.

UPDATE
I found out that the "disorder" is caused by stress. Go figure. Anyway, I bought some Eucerin and it's helping a lot.

Anesthesia

2008-07-28T17:52:00.002-04:00

Writing requires thinking, and lately I've really been trying really hard to think.

Thinking causes hurt and shame. Thinking dredges up that which I don't wanna talk about anyway. Just seems that lately it was easier not think or be numb.

I've been using food to prevent thought. I've been eating cheesecake, wings, Swedish fish and whatever else I can get my hands on. I focus on the food so I don't have to focus on my life. I'm not very happy with the way things are right now, and its a challenge to chuckle through pain, smile in the midst of fear and press on despite overwhelming fatigue.

It's tough and I'm tired and its easier to put all the things that bother me out of my head, and numb myself.

Wow.

2008-07-22T14:51:00.002-04:00

It's been a month...just about.

Wow.

What hasn't happened?

Instead of trying to account for everything that has occurred all in one post, I'll break it up, of course. Don't wanna bore you.

But I'm ok. I did have a lot of challenges with all my stuff - agoraphobia, eating disorders, bipolar, panic attacks. Yes, it's been a challenging month.

The biggest sadness came from Dobro. I wasn't expecting her passing to affect me like it did, but I couldn't shake it.

What's so great about blogging ins that you're able to form support systems behind the front page. Dobro was one support for me.

I love you all. I'm back.
RIP Dobro

Porcelin

2008-06-26T10:05:00.002-04:00

I brought it on myself
Like covers on a thunderous night
I pulled this blight over my head
It felt good then
Comfortable
Safe and free

On the other side
By being comfortable I lost me.
And now I'm mad at the world
Disgusted with all I see
Numbing my pain with food
It tastes so good going down
Helps me to escape the right now
This fucked up menagerie
With not so exotic animals roaming free

But seeing it again feels so much better
Are you ready?
Ok, your turn
Pick a finger
Ha ha
But now I've gottn so much better
No assistance necessary from the pointer
Just a look in a mirror
Cuz I'm disgusted by the me I see

And away she goes
Throwing up the shame that no one knows
Flushing it down the drain
Bye bye to the hurt and pain
Bye bye to the guilt and shame
Did I really win this time?
Never to hurt again?
Nope, so break out the bread
The crab dip, the candy, and chips.
Feels so good going down
But who am I kidding.
I'll see you by the porcelin
Tonight middle finger is king

Hello?

2008-06-26T10:04:00.000-04:00

God when do you show up?
Right before I take razor to wrist?
Right after I swallow the pills
Or take the last numbing sip?

When do you come in like superman
Save the day
My picture is on the front page
Of course I'll sign that for you
You're too kind
Thank you

Returning to the clutter in my mind
Retreating to the gloom of the day
I learn to accept this reality
Unscripted, unedited
No makeup person
Stylist
Pin on mics
No assistant
No special food

Just me
Overwhelmed
Fatigued
God, I'm drowning
You see me
You hear me
So why aren't you helping?

My Own Best Friend

2008-06-26T10:03:00.000-04:00

I used to be my own best friend
And than she started acting weird
Now a distorted figure
Looks at me from the mirror
I no longer see her beauty, her charm
Just an unhappy confused girl
Nothing in the mind
Nothing in the middle
I don't recognize her

Would you believe
Like billy jean
She was a beauty queen?
Strutting on catwalks
In movie scenes?
Now this hollowed casing of a human being
Lives in a constant state of second guessing
Perpetual state of fight.

What happened to her?
She used to be....

Used to be thin
Used to be pretty
Used to intelligent
Used to be fearless

Used to be
Was
Has been

She's too sad to hang with me
Now without her
I am lonely
She used to be my best friend.

22 Years

2008-06-26T10:02:00.000-04:00

22 years I have served you
Called on your name
From the age of 9 I knew you
June 24, 1986
That's the day my life changed

22 years
To have my fears overtake me now?
Prayers seemingly falling on deaf ears.
I feel like david
Begging for deliverance
Begging for an out
Pleading for help

If I'm weak to pray it
Then so be it
Then give me strength
But I am wary, oh God
And so I pray:
Please pass this cup before me.

Oh God

2008-06-26T10:00:00.000-04:00

Oh God
Why have you allowed me to sink
To this state of being?
My former me
Merely
A figment of a sketchy imagination
A mind wrought with chaos and uncertainty.

For what end
Am I a skeleton of yesteryear?
Living in what was
Making love to memories
Who I am
Disgusts me.

Reduction to the lowest common denominator
Yet possessing the will to fight
Is an equation of insanity
How can a plate of wrong when eaten
Taste right?

You're far off from me, God
At least you seem to be
I talk to you everyday
Begging, pleading, for an opportunity
To see
A glimpse
Of a happy me.

Why so downcast oh my soul?
Because my hope in God
Has left me wary.
So with only residual energy to lift my head
I moan a tearfilled help me.

They're Not Gonna Kill Me

2008-06-12T10:58:00.003-04:00

Remember my torn esophagus?

Well, it's stress related. I bet you couldn't see that coming.

Apparently, when I stress, I get acid reflux. The acid burns my already weak throat.

Huh, what? You didn't know I Was stressed?

Oh yes. That's why I am about to go in and QUIT!

Thunder Scares Me

2008-06-11T23:46:00.006-04:00

Recently the heat wave in the DC metro area birthed perfect conditions for thunderstorms and of course those wretched tornadoes.

Maybe nature misunderstood.

I enjoy sleeping to RAIN, not THUNDER and LIGHTENING!

Power was knocked out a couple times, and I was VERY SCARED. I even contemplated sleeping under the stairs leading to the basement. Spine shaking thunder and crackling lightening really scare me; no really, they scare me.

My sister mentioned that she may have PTSD from experiencing hurricanes as kids. I think it's very possible that I have it, too. My fear of thunder/ lightening is really on another scale. And the thought of a tornado gives me IBS. In fact, the IBS/heartburn/ esophagus pain is back and it started around last Thursday when we were under tornado watch quite a bit.

I still remember the sound of an earthquake as a child. (Yes, there is a sound. It's kinda like a train whistle. Very eerie.) Anyway, I am very unnerved by natural disasters that are impossible to anticipate.

Hmmmmm, makes me see the need for therapy after natural disasters.

Can you imagine the fear in the hearts of people that lived through the tsunami, Katrina, and the billion tornadoes this season?

What On Earth Did I Do!?!?!?

2008-06-11T21:51:00.005-04:00

Ok, um.

Last night I placed a glass of iced tea on the night stand. My plan was to drink it throughout the night .... you know, if I got too hot.

So, WHY ON EARTH is my cocoa butter container filled with iced tea?!?!?

I was so grossed out and alarmed, and was about to get paranoid and think that a homeless Japanese woman was living in my closet, but then I remembered - at one point, I started drinking the iced tea, but then I thought I felt something touch my lip, so I spit it out, but I thought I spit it into the glass!

I actually spit it into my cocoa butter.

I swear, I should get paid for being so special. Pun intended.

My Daughter

2008-06-11T21:47:00.002-04:00

Meet Mikela.

I've Been Cooking

2008-06-11T20:15:00.006-04:00

Ok, now a lighter post. I think I've gotten all my angst out of my system.

So, I used to have trouble cooking meat; you know, chicken, beef, fish...animals.

I would make really weird food concoctions like - hotdogs with rice and green beans. The meal looks so ugly. Who wants to eat this tastless crap?

But I learned how to make salmon and rice, and have been eating it everyday for um... the last 2 months! This pic is of rice pilaf,and salmon on a bed of baby spinach! The thing on top of the salmon is a cherry preserve that I learned how to make!

My food actually tastes good! I save money and I feel kinda womanly and stuff...NOT!

Damn Knockers

2008-06-11T19:29:00.004-04:00

Who knocks on random doors?

In the last 2 weeks, I've had 5, count em, 1-2-3-4-5 random people KNOCK on my door; and then, RING the bell!

Who were they?

I don't know. I never answer the door. I hate surprises. Random knocks and bell ringing disturbs my peace and makes me paranoid. I don't know anyone in this town, so I ain't expecting no visitors!

So guess what?

KNOCK UNTIL YOUR INTRUDING KNUCKLES BLEED!
One guy did leave a biz card about cutting my grass. So why was he knocking? Was he going to sell me on his grass cutting skills? Was there really something to discuss about grass cuttery?

Who KNOCKS on random doors to talk about grass?

Then I need to take 30 minutes to calm down from their intrusion.

Its true....

2008-06-11T15:53:00.006-04:00

Bitches win; at least in the short term.

Yeah, yeah, the whole karma thing won't happen if you're not a good little girl today, but imagine the satisfaction in the moment when you see a face change to horror and shock after you say, "shut the fuck up."

How do I work?

Everyone, everywhere is dumber than I am, but I must work for and under them!?

How the hell does that make sense?

I'm 30 how do I learn to work with STUPID people NOW? Isn't it too late for me?

Is it the personalities that I'm not good with? What am I doing?

On one hand I want to work for myself, but I fear accountability because when I don't feel like working, I don't want to work. So there is security in a job, but damn must I always be around morons and assholes? Why must I work with them?

Who is them, you ask?

Them are the bookkeepers who act like they're Harvard grad CPA's! Hell you don't even do payroll on a muthafreaking spreadsheet, you do it by hand! WTF is that shit?!

Your job ain't that great. You're only still here because you're the only ass willing to work for $8/hour! And that bullshit about you being here on an assignment from God, yeah, that's bullshit, too. You just a skill-less bucktooth bitch!

Suck on deez!

Sorry, for the curses, just purging this out of my system.

UPDATE:I'm not even 30. I'm 31!

Lately....

2008-06-11T15:44:00.003-04:00

I can't stand my smell. The scent of me, natural aroma, whatever, I hate it, so I'm bathing all the time, which makes my skin peel.

So, I'm only wearing pants cuz my legs are peeling like a snake.

OCD overdrive, yeah.

But the smell doesn't go away.

I walk into the house and I smell feet. Not "oh-my-goodness-put-those-shoes-outside" feet, but just "in-here-smells-feet-y" feet.

So I burn nag champa incense, spray cushions with an apple cinnamon spray, burn apple cinnamon oil, place Hawaiian breeze plug ins in each outlet, and boil vanilla extract in water.

I don't get too close to people because if I can smell me, surely they can; which make me not want to go outside.

Just sharing.

I'll be back

2008-06-09T21:39:00.002-04:00

Not taking a break, and not devoid of thoughts, just trying to get the brain to play nice with the typing fingers.

I'm gonna try hard tomorrow.

A Question

2008-05-29T23:58:00.002-04:00

Who's hated more:
a. mentally ill
b. terrorist.

Yeah, exactly.

Me & Talk Radio

2008-05-29T23:46:00.002-04:00

For a couple months I was a talk radio junky; mainly political talk.

I have great thoughts. In my head, I have amazing points. In high school I was a great debater and won impromptu and extemporaneous speaking competitions.

And then I call in, and my brain start speeding.

The result: a bunch of ~~shit~~ gobbley gook.

The call ends and I beat myself up for sounding like an arse on the air. My self -esteem drops, I go under the bed and I'm in a "I'm so stupid" funk.

Not being able to get my thoughts together is a stress, so no more talk radio for a while, I'm gonna stick to writing.

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

2008-05-29T23:34:00.003-04:00

I did it again.

I went on an interview this week.
They wanted to hire me.
I ignored all of the calls.

Didn't I just write about giving away my power?

I had a talk about integrity with my husband. I think I lack integrity. He thought I was being hard on myself. Maybe I hate confrontation. Why the heck do I care that people spent time interviewing me and I don't want to work for them?

Why can't I just say "I decided to accept another offer?"

Oh brother.

I guess when I can do better I will. I want to. I really do. I feel so dumb for ignoring my ringing phone.

Walking Through an Anxiety Attack

2008-05-22T11:08:00.004-04:00

I have so much riding on my ability to get it together and to get right.

You're chest is not tightening, and you're not having an asthma attack, you're simply having an anxiety attack.

Breathe. Let's do everything in steps. Pause right now and finish your juice. Come back when they're finished.

Finished.

Ok. Put the cups in the sink with some water. Take the laptop upstairs with you and put your contacts in. Go.

Done.

11:15- Good. Dry your hair and wash your face with all the steps. Go.
11:38- Done.

11:39- Email your proposal to the owner of the studio.
12:24- Done.

12:25- Good. Email addendum with your brochure attached.
12:27- Done! I'm feeling good, but don't go yet.

12:28- Ok, wash off the mask, email the club manager, email designers/ MUA. Go!
12:37- DONE!

12:38- Pause. Go eat. Then send resumes while watch TV. Do this until 2pm. GO!
1:14- I cooked! I ate! I’m feeling great!

Operation Start Over No. 93863428109419...

2008-05-22T10:42:00.005-04:00

My Day This Far:

4am: Awake? What the hell for?

5am: Turn on the radio. I might as well be entertained.

7am: Geez. Still Awake.

8am: Startled out of sleep by mother calling. Ignore. Feeling drugged.

10am: Come on Butterfly, we can face the world.

10:15: In the shower. I finally rinse out the conditioner out of my hair. As I shower, I get light-headed and need to sit. It's too hot, I'm too hot. I lay down in the tub and pass out for a bit. I come to and finish with my shower. I must have gone too long without a bath. I'm now allergic to it.

10:45: Out of the shower, headed to kitchen for orange juice, Emergen-C, some tea and to write this post.

And now it's 10:50am.

I gotta have a plan today other than getting back into bed or laying on the couch under the covers. A failure to plan is planning to fail, isn't it?

Well, my body is in anxiety attack mode because I dread going outside. Yes, the agoraphobia is back. How do I feel? Well, no one can judge me at home. People will see that my skin is blotchy, I wear wigs, I'm a little fat in the tummy and notice that I act weird; and so it's safe here.

Ok, here comes the other part of the brain:

No Butterfly, you're focusing on your fears - False Expectations Appearing Real. You are much stronger than you give credit for. Remember the book "What Would You Do if You Had No Fear?"

Yes, I do.

What would you do today if you had no fear?

Ok, I would:

1. Go to three places where I want to work and try to get an interview on the spot.
2. I'd pitch my proposal to the local studio and start my modeling classes there.
3. I'd follow through with planning next Tuesday event.

Ok, so what's stopping you?

What if I don't get an interview? What if you do?
What is the studio isn't interested? What if they are?
What if I can't find a designer and models in time? What if you can?

Ok, I get the point.

It's so cliche, but I'll say it cuz you need to hear it. "Nothing beats a try." I think you are so afraid of being accountable and then messing up that you've simply stopped trying or you try and flake at the end. You are letting your bipolar disorder win.

Come on. I'll help you. Drink your juice, dry your hair and get dressed. We're going to find money.

Ready?

Not really, but ok.

On 3: 1-2-3 Let's Go!

Time 11:01am.

Stay Tuned.

Tired of Starting Over

2008-05-21T17:15:00.004-04:00

I know that I'm not a weirdo, but how can I be so OCD, but yet, have conditioner in my hair for 4+ days under a shower cap, under a wig cap?

Who does that?

How can I check and recheck the alarm system, but get exhausted with taking a shower?

I made so much progress with my face. My skin was amazing, radiant, clear. But the mushrooms are back. My face looks like shit because I haven't washed it since Thursday.

Until I cycled high this morning and washed the dishes, I had a bowl with nuclear waste sitting in the sink. But I am OCD.

I swear to God. I hate this shit. I hate that I'm not the me that I liked and enjoyed and was so productive, and fun and dependable, and pretty. I'm a busted shell of who I used to be.

I'm tired of starting over. Each day I wake up is another day that I start from scratch; not where I left off yesterday, but from scratch! I'm in a perpetual state of rebuilding, over and over, and over and over.

FUCK!

Just when I think I have a handle on this..... I'm not happy right now.

Psych Ward

2008-05-21T17:06:00.008-04:00

Where've I been?

I was having a lot of problems concentrating last week at work.

I yelled at a staffer because the TV was loud and so was the radio. Everything was magnified, and the befuddled look on everyone else's faces let me know that it was my ears.

Then came the weekend. I had a severe bout of OCD anxiety on Saturday. I had to unplug everything in the house before I left because they would spark and start a fire. Also, I didn't want the electric bill to be higher because of "phantom energy".

I know. It's a smidge off now, but it made sense then.

Then came the hallucinations, itching, and agoraphobia. I was really bugging out and hubby made me go to the hospital.

I was in the psych ward.

So, they put me back on the Lexapro, but I didn't take the Seroquel. The result was a clear head, but severe mania.

I get it. Life has changed from what I knew it to be. It makes me sad to think if I am unable to do what truly makes me happy all the time, I may need meds to maintain consistent productivity.

I feel like when I was first diagnosed.

Just a Reminder

2008-05-21T15:04:00.000-04:00

The PBS special on Depression airs tonight.

You can read more on NAMI's website. Check your local listings

I Get It

2008-05-21T14:58:00.003-04:00

I've hear a lot about rapid cycling and mixed states.

I thought I knew what it was. I thought I experienced the mixed states thing. I was so wrong.

For today, I've been under the covers with my eye pillow on, chipper watching TV, back under the covers, awake making phone calls, and then under the covers on the couch.

WTF, is this?!

Ok, I get it. Bipolar has my attention.

Cable No Mo!

2008-05-16T09:58:00.003-04:00

I did it!

I procrastinated very much yesterday, but I finally did it! I shut off my cable!

I'll most likely get Netflix in June or something, but for now, I'm actually feeling much more productive as I type.

Here's to an introspective and knowledge enhancing summer.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I mustered up the willpower to cancel the cable despite the strong pull to The Office, American Idol finale, and Blue Collar Comedy.

It's Gonna Be Genius!

2008-05-15T08:38:00.004-04:00

I'm working on a ultra blog entitled "Theory of Relativity"; not like Albert Einstein.

(I tried researching his theory, and it sounds like gobbley gook. What the heck does it mean?)

Nopie, mine will ~~go down in history~~ be about interpersonal relations, and of course life as I see it.

The basic premise is that human understanding is relative to experience.

Want an example?

Ok, here's two:

* $1000 in the bank to some is GREAT, to others, it's reason for dread.

* Bipolar disorder is something to "shake" to some, for others it's life lived on a roller coaster.

Trust me, it's gonna be good :-)

What prompted it?

Well, the bipolar example came about after a conversation with my older sister last Sunday. She said that my brother's problems are rooted in his "lack of ambition and weed smoking."

When I tried to get her to understand that he has a REAL mental illness, she couldn't get it. I tried to use my experiences to help her get it, and her reply was as clueless and nonchalant as "Let them eat cake."

I love my sister, but much of her conversation was had with the bed (I put the phone down). Mental illness is not her reality. Her understanding of mental illness is relative to what she has seen and experienced.

Still, when I was in college, I had a girl tell me: "You're perfect. You'll never have anything to complain about? You're pretty, you're dating the star of the football team, you're thin, smart, you're perfect."

Isn't it ironic, that her words came during the time that I was in university mandated therapy?

I'm not gonna account the "pretty girl" blues. Rather, I want to ensure that I am more aware of how my reality is not THE reality. Still, there cannot be an absolute reality because everything is always relative to individual experience.

Oh, here's some good examples:

* A person who has always had the dream of a storybook wedding, can never understand people who elope;

* A person who needs to have a significant other can never understand people like Oprah who has a man, but chooses not to marry.

* Still, a woman who pines for a baby, can never understand those who chose not to have children.

I am so excited about writing that piece.

Anyway, I shut my cable off today, so Ill be writing A LOT!

Gratitude Moment: Thankful for moments of genius :-) in an at times cloudy brain.

I Do It, Too

2008-05-15T08:29:00.004-04:00

One of the things that is very unnerving with my brother is that he talks to himself.

He is bipolar as well, but I've also heard terms like "schizo-affective" tossed around.

He talks to himself about anything and everything.

Witnessing it is unnerving, unable to make it stop is frustrating.

And then, someone at work told me "You're talking to yourself again", and it wasn't in the "oh-ha-ha-you're-talking-to-yourself" kinda way.

When I do talk to myself and people notice, I address it. I tell them that I talk to myself and I answer, too (people think it's cute to reply with the "as long as you don't answer" bullshit).

I'm doing it more, I think. I do it when I watch TV, in movies, drive. Maybe because I have less forced interaction with people.

It doesn't bother me; just an observation.

So, here's another question:Is admitting that you talk to yourself and comfortable telling others (me) better or more evolved/ self -aware than failing to admit (brother)?

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I have a home where I am comfortable being me.

A Question

2008-05-15T08:27:00.003-04:00

Is it me or has there been A LOT of natural disasters lately?

Hate to be sound the "End is Near Horn", but it sure as heck seems like it.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I noticed the increase in natural disasters, and that I am not overly preoccupied with it.

11:49

2008-05-12T23:49:00.001-04:00

Time for bed. Gonna tell you about my job tomorrow. Okay.

Me, Elmer & Little Hairs

2008-05-12T23:36:00.009-04:00

Ok, so I read somewhere that if you put Elmers glue on your face and let it dry it'll get rid of all the pimple and blackheads and stuff.

So guess what I did?

I slathered Elmers glue ALL OVER MY FACE!

It felt good yet smelled like crap, but was weirdly fun.

I left it on, and um ... let's just say that taking it off was a B*TCH!

I so did not read the part about avoiding the eyebrows. It hurt like hell to take off! I had to wet my face to try to unglue the glue!

Then I discovered that I guess I have baby hair on my face, like peach fuzz, OMG, I'M A BEAR! OUCH!

Um, how about you don't put glue on your face. Just take my word for it.

That's my OCD in overdrive. I use a gazillion face products.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I got the glue out of my hairline.

TV-less Summer

2008-05-12T23:12:00.003-04:00

I called Comcast today. I'm shutting the cable off at the end of this billing cycle!

Hooray! I am gonna force myself to read all those books and magazines.

Well actually, I want to spend the summer studying and sharing with hubby.

No TV this summer-o.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I'm not losing the cable because of money.

TV Bad

2008-05-12T22:34:00.002-04:00

I censor my TV watching.

I don't watch TV shows that show poor marriages or cheating.

I guess I value my marriage a lot and I don't want to plant seeds of anything that could possibly have the potential to be an issue.

Interesting enough I judged my sister and her husband a couple years ago for having a filter on her TV that omitted curse words.

Hmmmm, funny how opinions change with marriage.

I Was Starving

2008-05-12T22:19:00.003-04:00

When I first moved to New York, I was living with an aunt and uncle.

I love my uncle, but think the aunt is a ...well, begin the "say something nice challenge" now.

Anyway, during my first week in NYC, the magnetic strip on my debit card was, er, demagnetised. I couldn't get any money out of the ATM. I had a check, but couldn't get it cashed because I have it for 8 days and NYC law states that check must be cashed in 7 days.

I had no money, well, a couple dollars, but I saved it to ride the train for job interviews.

So, for 2 weeks I went to interviews I would buy 4 bananas in the morning; eat one for breakfast, 2 for lunch and then the last as a snack.

I was sooooo hungry.

I got the the house one evening, starving but drained and sad. I got online and got an AOL instant message from a man named "Composer4TV".

What did I have to lose? I told him I was starving; just seeking an opportunity to vent.

He told me to call him, and I did.

He prayed with me and I received a check in the male the next day.

I was the hungriest I've ever been, and God sent an angel.

I've never met him.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful for strangers who do good for nothing.

I Give Away Power

2008-05-12T22:03:00.004-04:00

So remember the job as the leasing consultant that I didn't show up for?

Well, I never called them either, and so I spent 3 days NOT answering my cell phone.

Why didn't I just call and tell them I couldn't take the job?

Instead I couldn't answer the cellphone that I pay for!

I gave up power! I've done this sooo much in my life. I must stop.

I found a bookmark at Women's Dermatologic Society called "Ways People Give Away Power". It lists the following as the 3 ways people give away power:

1. Assumes they are wrong (even when others disagree).
2. Don't Express Feelings (when angry or annoyed).
3. Forget the relationship when disagreeing (with personal attacks).
4. Overly concerned with being liked (and receiving approval).

It was interesting.

Gratitude Moment: I'm grateful for the Internet and for having a desire to change parts of me I don't like.

Gratitude Moments

2008-05-12T21:55:00.002-04:00

I've been forgetting to add them to the end of my posts, so I'm gonna give you five of them.

I'm thankful for:

1. Unexpected state tax returns.
2. The ability to control the thermostat.
3. Choices of what to eat.
4. A husband that prays with and for me.
5. The ability to get a job.

Life seems less stressful when I focus on blessings.

I Wanna Stop Compensating

2008-05-12T21:30:00.004-04:00

I hate that I alter the way I act because of the way people see me.

Although I may not always feel pretty, I am a pretty chick. I know that people see me as pretty, and I know that when I walk into a room I have a 50 -50 shot - love her or hate her.

People are either gonna give me a chance to be me, or they will automatically hate me and assume that I am a snooty bitch.

Why do I care? After 31 years, why the hell do I still care?

Sometimes, hubby stops me and says, "Honey, you're a beautiful woman. Women want to be you, men want to ~~fuck~~ have you." That's your lot. You're never gonna blend in or be average. Accept it."

Isn't he the greatest?

I love him. But it is true. I've been here before.

Anyway, I'm working on trying to care less about how people see me. It's that darn need to please disease. I got it bad. I want to be liked or at least I want to have a fair shot actually being responsible for the way people feel about me.

I forgot my point. This post came about because I started new job. There's chicks at the office, and I feel like I need to dumb down and ugly-down to have some peace.

Already I am the "know it all" who wants to wear open toed shoes. But do they really see me that way or is that my self -esteem and "need to be liked" issues that are preventing me from soaring as I know how?

Oh brother, this is a lot. Ok, ending this post.

Monday Laugh

2008-05-12T21:16:00.001-04:00

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely?, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

Random Thoughts

2008-05-12T21:01:00.003-04:00

1. I enjoy squishing the tip of my nose, and hubby's.

2. How long does it take cook a steak? 20 minutes, maybe? So why when I go to Applebee's do I expect my steak AND potatoes and vegetables in 10 minutes?
3. I like raspy voices. You know that "I-drink-coffee-and-smoke-cigarettes" voice. Yeah, I love that.

4. There's been several tornadoes lately. I saw one on TV and it looked like how satan might look, but it is a natural act allowed by God. Hmmm I said we could hide under the 2nd floor stairs if one came close.

5. I think the phrase "git-r-done" is sexy as hell.

6. People either love or hate pretty people, like me.

7. Lately I've been feeling like spiders are crawling on my face or maybe it's spiderwebs.

8. I think my new office has spirits so I'm gonna burn some incense and rub blessed oil on the walls.

9. I'm getting more and more comfortable with being bipolar.

10. Hubby and I have a ~~daughter~~ teddy bear named Jessica Mikaela.

Tagged!

2008-05-12T20:42:00.005-04:00

Dreamwriter tagged me a long time ago, and I sooo didn't get it. I thought it was spam or something weird like when someone hacks into your blog and sends you pornos. LMBO!

Anyway, I started reading other blogs and saw Tori's tag, and it clicked - this is a game! DUH!

I'm still not sure I get it, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. So, I'll begin with:
Six Random Facts About Me:

1. I write backwards and have done so all my life.
2. I am super obsessed with NOT having flat feet.
3. I once took out one of my teeth (ouch).
4. I had Kerry Von Erich's baby ... ok, in a dream.
5. Sometimes I cut ants in half and watch them wiggle.
6. I once killed a lizard with contact solution and Lysol.

Did I ....Ooops, I did it again?

2008-05-06T12:44:00.002-04:00

I had to blog really quickly. I'll be back later tonight.

I'm working, but I didn't take the job as a leasing consultant.

I just went to work, and they have a "No Open Toe Shoe" policy.

WTF!

It's 85 in Maryland today!

It's clear, oh so clear, I ain't supposed to be working for nobody! (Double negatives added for emphasis!)

Oooops, I DId it Again

2008-05-02T00:05:00.003-04:00

Earlier today I was stressing about work, and had challenges calming down.

Well, know I'm breathing through my mouth. Yup, I am totally psychosomatic.

I'm in flannels, with Eucalyptus oil on my chest and neck. This SUCKS!

This must go away.

Who's Crazy Now?

2008-05-02T00:02:00.004-04:00

We have a chemical imbalance, mental illness; all it what you want.

However when a man tries to cash a $360 Billion Check, now THAT'S CRAZY!

Moldy Mood

2008-05-01T22:12:00.005-04:00

"People living in a moldy home may be more likely to suffer from depression... of 5,882 adults... those who lived in damp, moldy homes were more likely to report symptoms of depression, including sleep disturbances and lowered appetite or self-esteem."

Did you know about the link between mold and depression?

On a whim we had our carpets, air ducts, and furnace cleaned and sanitized this week. When we opened our furnace, it was covered in mold and mildew!

We've been breathing in cooties! Depression and insomnia -filled cooties!

I wanted to claw my skin off when I saw it!

"Clean it, Clean it, Make it go away! Butterfly No Likey!

My home had been invaded and I was itchy. I instantly wanted to bathe and scrub... hard! But they took care of it , and lemme tell ya, the difference in air quality before and after was AMAZING!

I won't lie: I paid attention to everything I did since the cleaning. Just checking to see if I "felt" different, you know.

What I did feel was clean. The house smells clean, and I feel like there less invisible cooties floating in the air. Read More Here.

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful for the junk advertisements that come to the house and offer discounted services on duct cleaning so I could be cootie-free.

Say What?

2008-05-01T21:57:00.004-04:00

"You can't be alone if you like the person you're alone with."

Not sure where I heard it or read it, but I felt like it should resonate with me deep in my gut somewhere.

Hmmm. Ok, Butterfly, let's read it again: "You can't be alone if you like the person you're alone with."

If I liked me, I wouldn't feel alone when I AM alone?

Naw, I don't agree with that. Maybe it should be: "if I like me I won't feel lonely even when I am alone."

Does that make sense to you?

As I understand it, alone is when no other person is present; like in a forest or in a bathroom stall. Then lonely is the feeling that no one is interested in being present with you.

Alone is the state of being and lonely is the feeling about your being?

Gosh, I though this would be a light post. I guess not. On that note....

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful for my 10th grad English teacher that got me interested in words and their meanings.

I Wish....

2008-05-01T21:43:00.002-04:00

...I could only eat once a week.

Well, that's not entirely true. Some days I wish I could ONLY eat for a living; Swedish fish to be exact. Oh, and red velvet cake, gummy anything.

Other days I wish that what I eat on Monday could last through the week.

I don't cook. It sucks (to me), and making something and that whole process of eating today was such a drag. With each laborious bite of mashed potatoes that I shoveled to my less than enthusiastic mouth, I wanted spit it out on the wall and make art. That actually was my thought.

Eating. It's so dumb. It would be easier to rather drink.

"No butterfly. Stop it"

You're right. There are people who can only eat via IV. Shame on me for whining about eating. At least I have food. At least I have money to buy food. At least I can consume food normally.

Damn. Ok, I get it.

Gratitude Moment: Tonight I'm thankful for the introspection that comes from blogging

No Longer Growing Mushrooms....

2008-05-01T21:24:00.004-04:00

....ON MY FACE! Lol!

That' right. I'm proud to say that I have THOROUGHLY washed my face everyday and night for the last 7 DAYS!

It was my challenge, and I wanted to announce it, but I didn't want to hype it up and jinx myself. Naw, actually, I just wanted to not put too much pressure on myself.

I think it takes 14 days to make a habit, but 7 is an achievement, and I'M CELEBRATING!!!!!

I did eye makeup remover, complete cleaner, toner, moisturizer, zit cream, and get this blog world - I REMOVED MY CONTACTS!!!!

Who's the woman now! LMBO!

My skin looks great, it's amazing what washing it can do.

Have you all experienced this? Sometimes when I'm doing the rapid cycle thingy, I ignore basic tasks like washing my face, showers, brushing my teeth and deodorant. Thus, I have deodorant EVERYWHERE (car, purses, etc.)

Gratitude Moment: Thankful I gave myself the opportunity to see my clean beauty.

I Think...

2008-05-01T21:16:00.007-04:00

...some people are just born to KISS ASS!

I can't stand it.
"Oh, yes, that's true."
"Absolutely, that's genius."
"Ah ha, ha, ha, too funny."

PASS VOMIT BAG PLEASE.

To Everyone with Lips Firmly Attached to a Rear End:
GET A LIFE!

Work Panic

2008-05-01T21:02:00.003-04:00

Ok, so this is your warning:

WATCH WHAT YOU ASK FOR!

I asked for a job.
I wanted to work.
I got a job.
Now I don't want it.

I am petrified! I really am. I'm due to start on Monday as a leasing consultant which is totally new territory for me.

The title scares me.
The 9-5 day scares me.
The being told what to do scares me.
The having to do that annoying fake laugh scares me.

I'm only doing it to get active a bit and stop touching our savings, but I really don't want to show up!

Hubby says I'm having anxiety about new stuff. Yeah, yeah. I know that I should embrace it as an opportunity to do something new and learn something new.

But that's the thing: I don't like NEW! I don't like NEW people either. (My co-workers would always tease me about my inability to tolerate new-ness.(

Yeah, I know that new is good, but new is change, and I only want the change I want! (FOOT STOMP!)

There. I said!

I'm hoping hubby will give me permission to skip it. I doubt he will :-(

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful that I HAVE a job to turn down.

I'm Back ....Therapy Update

2008-05-01T20:49:00.003-04:00

I am going to force myself to type because I know it's good for me. I have 15 posts to finish and by golly I'm gonna get through them tonight.

So here we go.

My therapy is going well. Hubby suggested that I see her twice a week!

She's great, really supportive, and more supportive-er than any therapist that I have ever had. She's tough with me, she gives me hugs and she is sensitive to my moods and lets me work them out in my own time.

Hubby spoke with my therapist 2 weeks ago. They shared their mutual appreciation and then I got on with my session.

Therapy should be a part of everyone's life; not, just in a crisis, but all the time. Therapy should be more routine than a gynie exam.

Good t-docs are out there. Find one. Keep one.

Gratitude Moment: So thankful for people who devote their life to helping us sort it out.

I Hear...

2008-05-01T01:05:00.001-04:00

...writer's block is going around.

Well, I must have typer's block. I have several blogs in my head, just haven't been able to type them.

Haven't been ab;e to type comments on your blogs either.

Hmmm, at 1:07am, I'm not about to try. Having some paranoid moments.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Saved By McDonalds - Monday Funny!

2008-04-28T10:42:00.007-04:00

I had a 6 hour road trip this weekend. With the exception of the thunderstorms, my trip to the destination was fine.

On the way back, I decided to treat myself with a Dairy Queen Cookies and Cream milk shake.

I was concerned with being tired during the drive, so I followed my Dairy Queen Cookies and Cream milk shake with a Cherry Coke Chaser.

NOTE: I am VERY lactose intolerant.

I wanted it, and I was going to have it. I didn't have my lactaid pills with me, but I could handle it. My thought was I would FORCE my body to like dairy little by little. "I control you, body. Not the other way around!"

Maybe I should have started AT HOME . I swear the dairy and carbonation was the equivalent of a bomb!

1 hour from home, my stomach made a really odd noise.

I got extremely HOT.
Then bitter cold.

And then the sort of fear only present in a child as she enters an alleged haunted house on Halloween night.

SHEER TERROR!

CAN I OUT-DRIVE THIS BM!
Will I need to pull over into a ditch?
God, please help me!

I turned up the gospel music -already playing in the car-, loud enough that the deer could hear. "If my ears hurt I won't think about the terror attack on my loins", I thought.

And then I saw them - the Golden Arches!

"Just a little bit more Butterfly and you'll be ok."

In hindsight, this is funny as heck. In the moment ....well, I rather not relive it :-)

Gratitude Moment: I am so thankful for the 31,000 McDonald's locations.

My Hair!

2008-04-27T00:37:00.002-04:00

OMG! I have hair... A LOT of HAIR.

I couple years ago I introduced wigs into my worlds. It started when I worked as a model for hair magazines. I wore wigs for the magazine and it was soooo easy. Also I HATED the damage done to MY hair when I modeled. Wigs are so easy.

So with that said, I haven't "worn" MY hair since 2004. Well, I washed my hair today and actually took the time to blow dry it, and OMG my hair is in the middle of my back!

My hair must grow with dirt cuz I sure as hell haven't touched it. I may wash it every other month (gross, I know, but I keep changing my wig caps, so it really hasn't been stinky. LMBO!

Hmmm, I'm thinking about returning to my hair.

Why?

I recognize that I hide behind my wigs. When I am feeling crappy, not pretty, or like acne has taken up residence on my face, I wear a big poofy wig to hide. I can't hide when my hair is in a pony tail.

I think I'm going to do it - one week with my hair, off my face.

Introducing.... Butterfly.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I recognize areas of my life that still need work.

Hubby, My Self Image & My Feet

2008-04-27T00:05:00.004-04:00

I've long know that I am severely affection and attention deficient; it's one of the reasons why I have never had a desire to have kids. When I was younger I figured that I would want ALL of my husband's attention ALL THE TIME, so there would be none available for a child.

So, I know that I have the perfect husband for me. He compliments me A LOT and I soak it up like a spongy sponge!

His compliments of course are ALL true - I am the most gorgeous woman in all of the world, I do have the best body, smile, eyes, bum, body, toes AND I'm funny! :-)

But he also compliments me so I can identify reality and the BS in my head caused by bip and ED. He's paid specific attention to my ED and self -esteem issues. When I am embarking on a self -defeatist or self -destructive path, he knows how to get me back on the right track.

I looked at my feet today, and liked them.

Ok, what does my feet have to do with anything?

Well, I've always liked my feet. I think they're cute. Yet, one day I woke up and didn't like my feet probably because people I dated weren't really into feet or said I had long toes or something. But anyway, at some point I began to dislike my feet.

Well, I like them again; not only because hubby does, but I realize that they're mine and aren't bad at all! It made me realize how I've allowed other people's opinions and perceptions become my view of MY body.

How wack is that?!

I love my toesies!

Gratitude Moment: I am thankful that I recognize the need to reboot my mental computer.

I've Edited My Blogs

2008-04-26T23:55:00.002-04:00

For those of you who have been reading from the very beginning, you've followed my saga through dating and now to being with my hubby.

If you reread any posts, you'll notice some edits. I've removed names of anyone that I've dated.

Why?

I like rereading my blogs and didn't want the memories;
Hubby is reading the blogs to learn more about me, and the names no longer mattered; so I changed them to "the guy I'm dating".

I delete some blogs altogether.

Hey, I'm making new memories, and these are the ones that matter.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I am no longer living in past relationships.

May is Mental Health Month

2008-04-26T23:21:00.003-04:00

I know that there are NAMI Walks happening around the country.

I want to participate in one -either in MD or NYC.

Not sure how I'm gonna raise awareness, but trust me, I'm gonna find a way.

P.S. I've been thinking about "outing myself" on this blog. I said THINKING.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I am growing less ashamed of my illness each day.

Me & Kid TV

2008-04-26T23:02:00.003-04:00

I found myself watching an entire episode of Hanna Montana today....and enjoying it.

I frequently watch Sponge Bob Square Pants as well.

Ok, I'm 31. What's wrong with this picture?

NOTHING!

Kid TV is the way TV should be - stress and drama free!

On Nickelodeon, there are shiny things, bright colors, smiles, sing song-y moments and happy times.

I've figured out how to fix what ails me - WATCH MORE KID TV!

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!"

Gratitude Moment: So thankful that I can embrace moments of joy and seek more of it.

Blue Collar Comedy Fan

2008-04-26T22:50:00.004-04:00

This is a picture of Ron White.

I LOVE him! Well, I love his comedy!

Ok, so I have Sirius radio in the car, and when driving I often listen to the comedy stations because laughter is good for the soul.

I often listen to Blue Collar Radio because I find it abso-freaking-lutely hilarious!

I love Larry the Cable Guy and have added Git-r-done to my vocabulary.

Did I mention that I LOVE Ron White?

Im watching his standup on TV right now. Here's a scene for you. Enjoy!

Gratitude Moment: So thankful for comedians that can make me laugh.

Caught Up on the Blogs!

2008-04-26T22:46:00.002-04:00

Hooray for me!

I'm all caught up on the blogs. There are some new blogs that I'm gonna add to my blog roll.

I wish I could read blogs all day because I love reflection, humor, encouragement, etc.

But for the new people to my blog, WELCOME! So glad you stopped by, and do come again.

-Butterfly

Weekend Funny

2008-04-26T19:54:00.000-04:00

Off With Her Head!

2008-04-25T08:08:00.003-04:00

DISCLAIMER: I liked the title, so this is not about me wanting to literally take off someone's head; as in murder.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way....

A Maryland Judge messed with the wrong chick yesterday and I'm gonna git-er!

I was having SEVERE anxiety yesterday. I think I had the worst panic attack since February of 07!

But I had to go to court.

In the morning, I threw up and was on the toilet more times than I could count (not for ED purposes). I had cold sweats and was literally shaking.

When I get really anxious, I faint. I've fainted in gyms, on trains, at parties - it's embarassing. It's almost like my body shuts down because it's too much stress. So, I wrote the judge a note explaining my disorder and symptoms and asked for a closed court room. Who hell wants to faint in court? I was just asking for some special consideration, no a to dothe proceedings from my bed in a pink cashmere robe!

Her reply: Suck it up!

Ok, so that was her NONVERBAL reply. She really said that it didn't constitute a situation that she thought warranted a closed court room and proceeded to BERATE ME in front of everyone for wanting special attention!

Well, when I had to state my name, I couldn't. I was stuttering so badly and had to run out of the room to throw up. As I am running out she's yelling: "Butterfly, you are not exempt from these proceedings!"

SHUT UP YOU BEARDED FAT FUCK! (That's what I said in my head.) ANd then I followed it with I should have thrown up on the damn floor. TAKE THAT!

She created the VERY conditions I said would be to my detriment and didn't care. The more I stuttered, the more she asked questions - in rapid succession!

Bearded Bitch!

Ok, so I won't be able to have her removed from the bench, but she will have something in her file stating that her court room in not compassionate to people with mental illness.

On a more positive note, once court was adjourned, I exited the courtroom in tears of relief. An attorney walked up to me, said he hated the way I was treated, and said, "let me help you."

I meet with him today.

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful that some people recognize mental illness as something not worthy of ridicule.

What Would You Do?

2008-04-23T20:17:00.004-04:00

Do you watch Oprah?

Today's show was all about placing real people in sticky situations seeing what they do.

There were several episodes including:
- bigotry to a Muslim woman in a diner
- seeing a friend's bf on a date with someone else.
- 3 tween girls horribly teasing another girl

It got me thinking not only about what I would do now, but what I did when I was younger, and then I remembered.

I had a 7th grade classmate named "K". Her family was not as financially stable as other kids in the class. She wore her uniform several days at a time, didn't appear to take frequent showers, and often smelled.

I witnessed another classmate make a pen mark on her shirt to see if "K" would wear it the next day.

She did and was the subject of ridicule. I felt horrible, and purposed to get to know her.

I did and she became one of my best childhood friends.

I switched to another school for 8th grade and we lost touch.

I found her last week online.

Part of me wants to give a 20 year old apology. But should I?

Would I be bringing up old wounds only to make myself feel better?

Hmmmm, I think so.

I just thought that I have 20 year old hurts that affect me today. Maybe by me apologizing if she had a 20 year old hurt because of the incident, she could get some closure.

Hmmm. That's a whole lotta "if's".

I'll leave it alone.

Gratitude Moment: I'm grateful that I have a conscience and care to make wrongs right.

PBS documentary, DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows

2008-04-19T21:52:00.006-04:00

Last Wednesday I attended a screening of the PBS documentary, DEPRESSION: Out of the Shadows. (Yup, I got out of the house.)

30 minutes of the 90 minute film was screened, and then followed by a discussion. Of the real life people featured, I especially remember the story of a gang member in New Jersey and what depresion lead him to do. Riviting :-)

With the exception of a small part of it that spoke about the benefits of Electric Shock Treatment, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

There were 3 panel members that had experienced Depression, and a host of p-docs and t-docs in attendance. As I suspected, the docs all came to showboat about their practices, books and radio programs, but none of them ~~new shit~~ were directly affected by ANY mental illness.

And so ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I came out of the closet.

Yup, to 100+ people, I told my story of having bipolar disorder, my struggles, fears and life as I knew it.

I took the p-docs to task for working with big business and pushing meds to get a payoff at the expense of serious consequences. I berated them for being quick to prescribe without disclosing details of withdrawal, side effects, etc.

I also took them to task for not working hard enough with insurance companies to cover more than 20 annual visits.

To the media in attendance, I scolded the industry for their role in demonizing people with mental health issues. It wasn't a rant, and it felt GOOD!

Yup, I see it in my future: Butterfly the Mental Health Advocate/ Activist Philanthropist.
It's coming, I can feel it.

Please, put it in your Outlook, Blackberries and Treo's NOW, or simply write it in your planner :-)

You can read more on NAMI's website. It airs nationwide May 21, 2008. Check your local listings (I've always wanted to write and say that. :-) I'll say it again: Check Your Local Listings.)

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that hubby has been doing really well with his depression lately.

Celebs and Taxes

2008-04-19T21:27:00.003-04:00

I had our taxes done recently with a HR Block.

They offer a "worry-free-we'll-pay-all-legal-fees-if-you-get-audited-and-take-the-heat" plan. It's called their "Peace of Mind" plan, I think.

Of course we opted for this.

Now here's my question: Why are so many celebrities getting caught up in tax problems? Surely they could afford the extra $39.99 (or how much it costs; can't recall).

I have bipolar disorder, but if you have millions and trust your freedom to a guy who "has been doing this for years", without the peace of knowing that he'll take the heat, well then hey, YOU'RE the crazy one.

Weekend Funny

2008-04-19T20:14:00.002-04:00

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

Read the rest here.

Gratitude Moment: So thankful for the email forwards that make me laugh.

1 Year Ago Today

2008-04-17T23:23:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday to ME!

One year ago yesterday, I was under suicide watch until I escaped out of the hospital.

On year ago today, I felt like this, this, this and this.

I had a huge birthday party last year. I was VERY manic, but I ultimately had a good time, I think. Don't remember much.

This year, I self-checked all day long to gauge how I felt.

Was I sad about my family not saying happy birthday? Nope. I was just sad that they didn't pause their "You Suck" Campaign to give me some peace today.

I really feel like they would prefer me dead than married.

I want to tell them I hate them, only because I want them to have their peace disturbed as much as mine is. I don't mean it, but I wish they would back the ~~fuck~~ heck off and be grateful that I am in my right mind. I'm not hurting anyone, but all of a sudden no one can cope. "I'm just hurting them oh so badly. F*ck off!

It's cool. At some point, God place ginormous amounts of courage inside of me. I'm taping into it and refusing to be depressed.

I have an interview tomorrow.

Boooo!

2008-04-16T22:23:00.005-04:00

So, "someone" decided to leave a comment about my post "To My Father". It said: You need serious mental help. I hope you’re getting it.

In the words of Michelle Tanner (the Olsen Twins) on Full House: "How rude!"

I know who commented, and here's what I have to say:

As a person with a mental illness, I thought you'd be more sensitive that to say something like that to me, especially when it was CLEAR that I was hurt. But, I supposed sensitivity applies only to you and to no one else.

If you meant what you said, and truly wanted me to give some credence to it, why did you post as Anonymous?

You're attempt to hurt, was actually received as a reason to pity YOU. See, I have a mood disorder and I am getting help for it. Mood disorders can be fixed and managed, but what can fix a black heart.

Here's what you get:

Gratitude Moment: So proud of myself for not allowing someone's bad day to be a bad day for me.

Some Back Story

2008-04-16T22:05:00.005-04:00

Ok, I know you're wondering what the heck prompted the last post.

Well, my parents and the majority of my family didnt't know that I got married, and now that they do, they launched a sh*t storm or negativity.

My mother said I'm "cursed and disgusting", "I was raised better", and "how could I."

My father said "how could I stoop so low as to marry for money."

Yup, the last 48 hours has been interesting.

So Butterfly, what did you learn from the hail storm o' crap?

I'm so glad you asked. :-)

Well, if you are being your most authentic self, and people react with anger, venom, etc, one of 2 things are happening:

1. They are lashing out at YOU because THEY would never have the courage to make the decision you did; especially if it goes against the grain.

2. They're actually mourning their expectations for you that will not (or they fear will not) come to fruition.

Oh, yeah. I am so having an aha moment.

The secret is out and I feel so free. I also feel so much closer to being ME, not who my family wants me to be, not who society says I should be, but ME. And guess what? On any given day, my concept of ME may change, and that's ok.

Why?

Because I say so!

Hooray for me!

Gratitude Moment: So glad that with each passing day, I care MORE about me and less about opinions, expectations, and perception.

To My Father

2008-04-15T08:33:00.001-04:00

I thought we had a good relationship.

In a choice between you and my mother, it was you all day long.

But now I ask Where were you?

It seems I’ve had to go through the hardest times of my life by myself; unable to talk to anyone; unable to confide in you.

Where were you when I was almost raped, when I was left on the side of a highway to walk for miles and figure out how to get back to a home where my aunt –your sister- didn’t give a damn about me?

Where was your anger for your sister who treated me like shit and disrespected me?

Where was your shame then?

Where were you when I stared at razors wishing I had the courage?

Where were you when I needed someone to talk to?

Where were you when I was losing my mind?

Where the fuck were you?

And now you judge me?

Interesting enough, I’m not angry. I’m disappointed, saddened, and understanding why this situation is yet again about you.

I’m changing my numbers; getting a new email and starting a life where you need not be in the audience. That way, I can be a disgrace to you no more.

Amanda the Great

2008-04-14T07:04:00.007-04:00

Do you read the blog This Side of Reason by Amanda?

If you don't, perhaps you should.

Check this out:

"...I will work more on reprogramming my tape. Many of the negative, depressing thoughts which permeate my life on a daily basis are not an illness - they are just a bad habit."

Perspective on life; isn't that what we're all searching for?

I must admit that I read Amanda's blog in part to sheer selfishness; I always learn something when I read it!

Amanda, thank you for sharing your lessons. I learn from you.

Read Amanda's full post entitled Taking Vitamins.

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful that I am open enough to receive lessons; even via the blogosphere.

OHMIGOSH its 1AM!

2008-04-14T00:53:00.001-04:00

I've been posting blog comments and lost track of time...again.

Gotta be up at 6!

Good night!

More on Work

2008-04-13T23:30:00.003-04:00

So I didn't take the job and didn't think twice about it.

Hubby had an interesting idea: be a consultant for what I know and do well.

Yes! I drafted a proposal and sent it to a couple companies, and my week is filled with meetings!

The 9-5 work day isn't for me. I've tried it and tried it and it doesn't work for me. I can't sit still, my concentration leaves me and I becomes a problem for the company. I won't go through that again.

The company that wanted me to work for them is a franchise. The company I worked with in NYC was also a franchise. So, I started thinking: maybe we should get a franchise. We would get the national marketing and established branding that comes with the franchise, but the ability to tailor daily operations to our values.

Two sites to check out if you're interested:
UKFranchise
US Franchise

I Punish Myself Part 3

2008-04-13T23:02:00.003-04:00

Hubby raised an amazing point today.

He asked what role me receiving spankings as a child plays in me punishing myself as an adult.

Yeah, my husband is quite the thinker.

You know what, I think he's on to something.

Why do parents spank? To teach a child right/ wrong, appropriate/ inappropriate behavior.

Why do I punish? To teach myself right/ wrong, appropriate/ inappropriate behavior.

But in the same way that I'm not learning from my punishment, did I learn as a child or did I simply alter my behavior to prevent future punishments?

Ok, this is heavy stuff.

Am I over thinking?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Gratitude Moment: Loving that each day brings a deeper understanding of me.

The Deal with Spending

2008-04-13T22:55:00.007-04:00

I love gadgets, computers, electronics, cellphones, and all blinky, beepy things.

But lately spending money has become a reason for me to punish myself. I buy something on impulse then feel like crap later, or I buy something that I can justify needing in the moment, but then tell myself later that I could have waited.

Anyway, until the house is old, hubby and I decided as part of our minimalist plan that unless we BOTH can justify the immediate purchase, we'll get rid of something before buying something new.

It feels good.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I care to be frugal.

I Punish Myself Part 2

2008-04-13T22:35:00.005-04:00

My hubby is the most perfect man for me. He understands me and knows me like none other. It blows my mind how intuitive, perceptive, and wise he is. He also has this amazing ability to get to "what's really going on" with me.

Ok, so here's what he told me today, it blew my mind:

"Baby, your way of handling the stress associated with inactivity, procrastination and mistakes is to punish yourself. You punish yourself, thinking that you will learn from your error, but you don't. You're not learning because you keep doing what you don't want to do. You make yourself feel better by punishing yourself. You need to start replacing your punishment with a proactive step toward getting you back on the right track."
MOVE OVER DR. PHIL!

How awesome is he!?!?!?

He's right.

Punishing myself makes me feel better in the moment, but it ultimately makes me feel worse about it because I'm not modifying behavior.

For example, I was supposed to send a fax to our phone company last Wednesday. When hubby reminded my about it, I felt bad (I should have remembered. I'm supposed to be perfect, remember.) So to teach myself a lesson, the plan was to go without food. Hubby caught me right as I was thinking the thought, and helped me replace it.

Instead of punishing myself by going without food, we would right the letter together. :-)

Hubby also is helping me to reprogram all the negative voices in my head.

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful that God gave me the most perfect man for ME.

I Punish Myself Part 1

2008-04-13T21:53:00.011-04:00

I have a HUGE issue with punishing myself.

It affects every part of my life and manifests everywhere.

Some back story:

I am bipolar 2.

I also have what's called an eating disorder not otherwise classified. That means that I am not classified as anorexic or bulimic, despite having attributes of both. I see myself as fat, although I'm not (anorexic) and I binge and purge (bulimic). Where the unclassified part comes in is that my eating disorder isn't fueled entirely by a desire to be skinny, but by my OCD and obsession with being clean.

Yup, I have an extreme obsession with keeping my insides clean and cootie-free, so I take laxatives.

Ok, how does this tie into the title?

Well, when I'm stressed or frustrated, I eat junk and then feel like crap. So, because I feel like crap and knew that I shouldn't have binged, I punish myself with laxatives.

That's just the beginning.

I have many books to read. I've stopped buying them, but I feel bad for not reading so I punish myself by wanting to shut off the cable.

I didn't drink as much water as I wanted to, so I throw away the juice mix.

I spent a lot money on spas, colonics and acne treatments, and then I binge, so to punish myself for wasting money, and not appreciating the money spent, I place myself on a crash diet and extreme skin care regimens.

If I let the house get to messy, it means that I don't appreciate our home and then I must sleep on the floor (hubby HATES this).

If I miss a deadline, forget to do something, make a mistake, take a wrong turn, anything...I punish myself to teach me a lesson.

After all, when you're punished, you're supposed to learn, right?

Introducing my amazing husband.

Grattitude Moment: So grateful for my husband's wisdom.

See I Punish Myself Part 2

This Old House

2008-04-13T21:45:00.007-04:00

I've spent the last couple days preparing the house to be placed on the market.

We've hauled at least 3 truck loads of stuff to the dump and to and charities.

We were able to give LOTS of books to a local library, almost a library worth of books to a local accounting firm, and we a barebones computer and 2 laptops that we are having fixed, upgraded and will donate to some after school programs.

The house has a whole different feel now that it's cleaned. With the clean came some bip issues (or as hubby calls it: "it" issues.) But more on that later.

It'll make a great home for a good family.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I can feel good after giving. Thankful that my husband was wise enough to get me to understand that some things should be donated and not necessarily sold on craigslist.com.

"Well, I thought I was priority..."

2008-04-13T21:16:00.008-04:00

Those were the words my mother said to me.

Are you kidding me?!?!

That's that bullshit.
The guilt trip.

The "put-me-first-so-that-you-have-no-time-for-your-own-life-and-when-your-life-isn't-making-any-progress-I'll-make-you-feel-like-shit" CRAP!

At the end of '07, I realized that my mother and I had a very unhealthy relationship. I would share details of my life hoping to get her approval only to be berated about what I was an wasn't doing well.

All my life, we have either been on speaking terms or at each other's throats. I had enough at the end of last year. I saw it, my hubby saw it, and it was time to end it.

What we had was some dysfunctional codependent in funk bullshit.

I started this year wanting to cut the umbilical cord from my mother. I lost my early twenty's raising HER son. My life and progress was stunted putting HER first.

I've spent at least the 3 years being bitter for where my life is and where I thought it could have been if I wasn't doing stuff for her.

How long did I really plan on blaming my mother?

How long was I going to allow her to run nmy life and dictate what I should and shouldn't do?

Notice I said allow. It was my fault. It takes two to have a dysfunctional relationship.

So, I cut the umbilical cord that connected me to her and kept me craving her approval. I would share only to be judged. I wouldn't open myself up only to have it thrown in my face.

"Well, I thought I was priority..." I didn't even flinch. I simply said "mother, I will talk to you later."

I am a woman.
I am a wife.
I am someone's child but I am NOT a child.

FREEDOM!

It feels great!

Grattitude Moment: I'm thankful for the wisdom that comes with growth.

Law & Order

2008-04-06T22:11:00.005-04:00

I watched an episode of Law & Order SVU tonight It was about a man that raped and almost killed 3 young girls. He had a psychotic break after witnessing his sister’s rape at the age of 17. As a result he developed schizophrenia.

He was on Haldol until a year earlier when it stopped working. He was switched to Rhisperdol. The meds didn’t work, and it was then that he committed the crimes.

The debate was whether he should be sent to Louisiana to face the death penalty, or be tried in NYC where 2 of the 3 crimes were committed.

La and NYC cops wanted to see him on death row somewhere, but the DA disagreed. Although she was charged with prosecuting, she felt that had the man been on meds that worked, he would have never committed the crimes. He didn’t deserve death, but rather to be in a hospital.

In court, she made him so agitated that he had a psychotic episode and was subsequently declared 730 or mentally unfit to stand trial. He could neither be executed nor imprisoned for the crimes. He would go to a hospital.

It had a deeply emotional affect on me. And led me to ask the question: Am I one bad situation away from trial?

Are you?

Gratitude Moment: I'm thankful for my husband that is always honest with me; even when I don't want to hear it.

Over and Out

2008-04-06T21:29:00.004-04:00

I forgot to tell you that I stopped the Lexapro.

I started on March 19th, and took it for 3 days. that was all I could take.

I lost 10lbs, and hubby was NOT happy.

My brain felt awesome! I was clear, I was able to think and to plan, and to be productive. If only my body would cooperate. I was so nauseous that all I could do was lay in bed!

So long Lexapro, my life doesn't permit 1 week of nausea; although my waistline looks great!

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I didn't stay on the Lexapro ONLY to lose weight.

Random Stuff - Where's Bonnie?

2008-04-06T21:00:00.004-04:00

I had a childhood best friend names Bonnie. Her birthday was April 3.

I haven't seen or spoken to her in well over 18 years, yet every April 3rd I think about her. Hmmmm.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I still have my memory.

Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum

2008-04-06T20:55:00.002-04:00

I hate the name. What do you think?
Read More
Gratitude Moment: Thankful that I know that I am NO WHERE NEAR LAST YEAR!

Is it ME, or Work?

2008-04-06T19:46:00.007-04:00

So I got a job, and they loved me. They really loved me.

Last Saturday I spent the day with them, kinda like a trial to see if they like me and I like them.

The verdict: They loved me MORE, and I think they suck.

They expected me to be in this past Saturday, but I didn't go. I didn't even tell them I wasn't coming.

The commute is too far (40 minutes), and the boss and I would ultimately have issues because he is much too free with his sexism and need for a bj.

What's my deal?

I swear, I don't know. Honestly, I really don't think this has nothing to do with being bipolar. Maybe I'm spoiled and accustomed to jobs where I come and go as I please and answer to no one. I know it's not the real world, but at 30, isn't it too late for me to learn "corporate America"?

I don't want to lie to anyone, I don't want to sell false dreams, I don't want to deal with people's insecurities with themselves, I don't want to deal with people's crap!

Why the hell does anyone need to work 8 hours a day anyway?

Can't you get it done in 4?

Hmmm. So, I'll keep looking.

Gratitude Moment: Thankful for a working computer.

Pardon Me ...

2008-04-06T19:37:00.006-04:00

I've been gathering topics to write about, but I haven't been able to post.

I write them in my heads, but the words don't get to my fingers.

So tonight I will try to catch up. Here we go!

(Thanks to getafitbrain.com for the image.)