Porcelin

I brought it on myself
Like covers on a thunderous night
I pulled this blight over my head
It felt good then
Comfortable
Safe and free

On the other side
By being comfortable I lost me.
And now I'm mad at the world
Disgusted with all I see
Numbing my pain with food
It tastes so good going down
Helps me to escape the right now
This fucked up menagerie
With not so exotic animals roaming free

But seeing it again feels so much better
Are you ready?
Ok, your turn
Pick a finger
Ha ha
But now I've gottn so much better
No assistance necessary from the pointer
Just a look in a mirror
Cuz I'm disgusted by the me I see

And away she goes
Throwing up the shame that no one knows
Flushing it down the drain
Bye bye to the hurt and pain
Bye bye to the guilt and shame
Did I really win this time?
Never to hurt again?
Nope, so break out the bread
The crab dip, the candy, and chips.
Feels so good going down
But who am I kidding.
I'll see you by the porcelin
Tonight middle finger is king

Hello?

God when do you show up?
Right before I take razor to wrist?
Right after I swallow the pills
Or take the last numbing sip?

When do you come in like superman
Save the day
My picture is on the front page
Of course I'll sign that for you
You're too kind
Thank you

Returning to the clutter in my mind
Retreating to the gloom of the day
I learn to accept this reality
Unscripted, unedited
No makeup person
Stylist
Pin on mics
No assistant
No special food

Just me
Overwhelmed
Fatigued
God, I'm drowning
You see me
You hear me
So why aren't you helping?

My Own Best Friend

I used to be my own best friend
And than she started acting weird
Now a distorted figure
Looks at me from the mirror
I no longer see her beauty, her charm
Just an unhappy confused girl
Nothing in the mind
Nothing in the middle
I don't recognize her

Would you believe
Like billy jean
She was a beauty queen?
Strutting on catwalks
In movie scenes?
Now this hollowed casing of a human being
Lives in a constant state of second guessing
Perpetual state of fight.

What happened to her?
She used to be....

Used to be thin
Used to be pretty
Used to intelligent
Used to be fearless

Used to be
Was
Has been

She's too sad to hang with me
Now without her
I am lonely
She used to be my best friend.

22 Years

22 years I have served you
Called on your name
From the age of 9 I knew you
June 24, 1986
That's the day my life changed

22 years
To have my fears overtake me now?
Prayers seemingly falling on deaf ears.
I feel like david
Begging for deliverance
Begging for an out
Pleading for help

If I'm weak to pray it
Then so be it
Then give me strength
But I am wary, oh God
And so I pray:
Please pass this cup before me.

Oh God

Oh God
Why have you allowed me to sink
To this state of being?
My former me
Merely
A figment of a sketchy imagination
A mind wrought with chaos and uncertainty.

For what end
Am I a skeleton of yesteryear?
Living in what was
Making love to memories
Who I am
Disgusts me.

Reduction to the lowest common denominator
Yet possessing the will to fight
Is an equation of insanity
How can a plate of wrong when eaten
Taste right?

You're far off from me, God
At least you seem to be
I talk to you everyday
Begging, pleading, for an opportunity
To see
A glimpse
Of a happy me.

Why so downcast oh my soul?
Because my hope in God
Has left me wary.
So with only residual energy to lift my head
I moan a tearfilled help me.